#5

I’m looking both backwards and to the future right now. The year has begun, and I’m in the process of deciding what comes next. I’m receiving some coaching again to set me on the right track, or rather on any track. So far I’ve decided to go easy with myself. I have so many self-made and/or inherited rules about how to be and what to do that for now I’ve given myself license to just play and explore. The mixture of rather rigid rules and a tendency to censor my actions and work sometimes leaves me with no place to turn. This time I’m trying to alleviate that by giving myself a good six months or more to try new techniques, create without a new exhibition in mind and just be. Good that I did too, as it seems change is in the air, and I might have to find a new place to work and live! It’s something to fret and worry about, but I have faith. Faith in the goodness of people around me, and faith in the fact that I will find a way to make it all good, landing on my feet again.

Looking back I’m going through some visual journal pages and spreads:

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Early work on self-doubt and general lack of confidence.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything I want to do or try to do. Below, my own personal inner mess. Being pulled in different directions makes for a scattered artist, no doubt about it.

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The response to the question “Why do you want to work with your art?”  To me the world is such a wondrous place. Full of beauty and so much to explore and share. There isn’t a way to not work with art. To do creative work is who I am, no matter what becomes of my work once I’m done with it.

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Through my creative work I’ve found a way of being myself. When I’m in the flow of the creative process, I find utter stillness and a way to be just me.

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The spread below came together not long ago. I started it last Spring I think, by finding some words on a thorn-out page from a  French novel. The words read “J’étais heureuse. Une fois.” “I was happy. One time.”

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I’ll wrap this post up with this even earlier page. This is also a combination of text and color. The words here are ripped out phrases that put together represents the state of mind I was in at the time. “I told him I was willing to be easy. But there was one melancholy part. And what with the songs.”

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Now let’s see what the future brings.